Conservative Christians, Atheists and Fear of Death

“Why are evangelical Christians and conservative Catholics over-represented among those who experience higher levels of guilt, regret and uncertainty in the face of impending death?”

That’s a question a friend who works as a spiritual health care provider asked recently.

His question was prompted by being at the deathbeds of some very religious people who were deeply afraid of what would happen after they died.

He mentioned an older woman who had lived a full, productive and largely joyful Christian life.

“She was a very good person to whom God was mightily important,” he said. Yet, as death approached, she was worried that she wasn’t good enough to be accepted into heaven.

Or, as my friend put it, “the ‘blessed assurance’ of which she'd sung so confidently for decades had evaporated into question marks.”

Another devout Christian, who had also lived a full life of service for others, also worried about his worthiness as his life neared its end—he worried about the things in the Bible he had failed to do.

My friend wondered: Why was he now worried mostly about the things he should have done instead of being content with the many good things he had accomplished?

My friend realized not every devout believer felt that way. “Yet it seems to be generally true that the most devout of conservative Christians have a tougher time . . . at the end of life,” he said.

“They respond with guilt and self-loathing to a greater extent than those of more liberal practice, or, indeed, those with no declared religious affiliation.”

His comments made me curious. Was it true?

A comprehensive review of 100 studies by researchers at the University of Oxford, found mixed results.

Eighteen percent of the studies indeed did find that some religious people struggle with death.

According to one of those studies, these tend to be people who have been taught to believe in a demanding and vindictive God, and who may have received a lifelong dose of sermons about the Hellfire and punishment awaiting those who don’t measure up.

Some of the studies accounted for this by distinguishing between what they called intrinsic religiosity—where belief motivates behaviour—and extrinsic religiosity—where behavior bolsters beliefs.

Those who had intrinsic faith tended to be more at peace about dying, compared to extrinsic believers who worried they weren’t doing enough to please God.

The review also found another group of people who approach death with a sense of peace: Atheists.

This isn’t surprising; if you don’t believe in an afterlife, whether that’s a belief in a heaven or in Hell, then there’s nothing to worry about either way.

As Hemant Mehta, host of the podcast The Friendly Atheist put it:

“It actually makes a lot of sense. When you realize death is just a natural part of life, and you’re confident about what will happen after you die, and you’re focused on making the most of the life you have, it’s not surprising that atheists don’t fear death.”

But back to my friend; what does he think about those people who were very religious, yet fearful of death?

For him, “guilt is the common denominator. And fear.”

This may be because their “spiritual formation likely included more of an emphasis on Hell than in many other traditions, and a sense that ‘I have to get it right’ in order to avoid damnation and experience paradise.”

For him, legalism and moralism “produce unhealthy guilt, leaving many dying people to wonder if they actually got it right. They seem to be projecting onto God the rigidity of their practice.”

When that happens, it’s hard for people “to truly relax in the arms of grace when you've spent much of your religious life emphasizing holy living.”

At the bedsides of people who feel this way, his goal is to “remind them that the steadfast love of the Lord endures forever . . . I suggest that God honours the direction of their heart's desire, and that a desire to please God matters more than the finer points of their doctrine. God can be trusted.”

From the Nov. 18 Winnipeg Free Press.

Death of a Friend Prompts a Question: How Do We Make Sense of Huntingdon's Disease?

Huntingdon’s is a cruel disease.

The progressive brain disorder, which has no cure, usually appears when people are in their 30s and 40s.

Early symptoms can include poor decision-making, change in personality, irritability, and anger. It ends with loss of mobility and cognition, then death.  

Why am I writing about this? 

Because three weeks ago I attended the funeral of my old high school and university friend Jeff Fast (pictured top, in the late 1970s), who died October 9 from the disease.

At over six feet tall and close to 200 pounds, as a young man Jeff was a boisterous, friendly and easy-going person.

After graduation from university in the early 1980s, he married Janice and became a teacher in Ontario. His first eight years were great—he was remembered warmly as a colleague and good educator.

But things began to change in the 1990s.

Nobody knew it, but Jeff had Huntingdon’s. It caused his personality to change. He had run-ins with the school administration. He grew short-tempered with students.

Soon, he lost his job. In 2001, he was asked to leave the home.

Then, in 2002, he got the diagnosis. The discovery came after his mother was found to have Huntingdon’s.

While glad to know what was causing his problems, it was still “a terrible thing for all of us,” Janice says from her home in Ontario.

“He had lost everything. And we had all lost so much, too.”

The years following the diagnosis were a pivotal time for her.

“My heart changed,” she says. “While those difficult years before the diagnosis could never be undone, God gave me a strong sense of what I was supposed to do—to care for him.”

As Jeff became progressively weaker and more confused, losing speech and the ability to walk, she visited him regularly in the hospital, taking care of his various needs.

She did it for him, but also for her children. The terrible thing about Huntingdon’s is that if one of your parents has it, there’s a 50 percent chance you will, too.

“I wanted them to know that, no matter what, they won’t be abandoned if they develop it.”

The night before he died, the family was with Jeff, telling him they loved him, that it wasn’t his fault.

Together, they remembered who he was before the disease stole him away.

Thinking about Jeff, it’s hard not to wonder how such a terrible disease could exist. Why would a loving God permit Huntingdon’s?

That question was also on the mind of Arthur Boers, an Anglican priest and long-time friend of Jeff’s who preached at his funeral.

“How do we make sense of a man dying at age 60, after enduring the wasting disease that also afflicted his mother?” he asked.

“How do we make sense of Janice being a young widow and young adult children losing their father? How do we make sense of things that went wrong in Jeff’s life, pains and sorrows, when he was so gifted and passionate and exuberant and larger-than-life?”

Our only response, he said, is not to try to figure it out, but to give testimony “to what we know and experience of God” through suffering.

This testimony does not explain suffering, he said, and “certainly does not solve the problem of suffering.”

But it does “hearten us, sustain us, help us carry on and move forward, testifying to who God is for us, to how we experience God’s accompaniment, and, yes, also to how we at times feel let down by God.”

As for Janice, she has no grand theological understandings about what happened. All she knows is that she needed to “lean on God again and again” to make it through each day.

“I don’t know why this came into our family, and I don’t spend time asking why,” she says. “In a way, it doesn’t matter. There is no clear answer.”

But the experience taught her that “no matter how big the challenge is, I don’t have to do it by myself. People from our church helped out in so many ways. I couldn’t have done it without them.”

Huntingdon’s, she says, “took so much away from Jeff, and from us as a family. But I no longer debate with God about it. I just lean on him for support.”

From the November 4, 2017 Winnipeg Free Press

A Psalm of Lament, or Fuck-You, Cancer

A friend’s wife was recently diagnosed with colon cancer. Hearing the diagnosis was not a good experience. “I’m gonna say it was shitty,” he wrote. “Can I say shitty? Can we all agree that the normal conservative protocols for public discourse can be set-aside in times like these? Cause if you can give me a better fitting word that encompasses all of that (and doesn’t get my mouth washed out with soap by my mother) then I am open to suggestions. I bet mom even gives me a pass on this one. So, to sum up, it was shitty.”

His comments reminded me of column I wrote a couple of years ago, after another friend posted his lament about a friend lost to cancer. 

“Fuck-you cancer, you indiscriminate fog of death; you've taken three dear friends too soon over the past four years, two since the fall. Remorseless diseases; I continue to mourn.”

So began a Facebook post by a friend, a leader in his denomination. It was a deep and honest cry of pain and anger at the death of yet another friend.

“Fuck-you science,” he continued. “You pretend to know so much, think you have answers to big questions, but you know nothing of what is important. 

"We may be dust, we may be spirit, you do not know; and you don't know why our bodies ache to see a friend smile one more time. You know nothing of love.”

“Fuck-you religion; you've backed yourself into a corner, defending your existence, quibbling over your own definitions. You have become blind to love and community and laughter and song. You still flog your club membership but you're done.”

“Good night Kirsten. You embraced the stories of so many; always bringing strangers into community. Who you are mattered. The connections you made will continue to bring smiles to this world.”

The language might disturb some. But reading the post, I was reminded of the Psalms.

Most people think of the Book of Psalms, or what Jews call Tellihim, as being all about comfort and security and praise—about lying in green pastures by still waters.

Some Psalms are certainly like that. But others contain stark expressions of pain, anger and deep disappointment with God.

These Psalms are known as the Psalms of Lament. Since they aren’t often used in many churches, they are sometimes referred to as the neglected Psalms.

That's too bad. They can play an important role for Christians, giving voice to the more difficult parts of life.

Take Psalm 13, for example (from The Message):

“Long enough, God, you've ignored me long enough.
I've looked at the back of your head long enough.

Long enough I've carried this ton of trouble, lived with a stomach full of pain.
Long enough my arrogant enemies have looked down their noses at me.

Take a good look at me, God, my God: I want to look life in the eye so no enemy can get the best of me, or laugh when I fall on my face.”

Or these portions of Psalm 42, also from The Message:

“I wonder, ‘Will I ever make it—arrive and drink in God’s presence? I’m on a diet of tears—tears for breakfast, tears for supper. All day long people knock at my door, pestering ‘Where is this God of yours?’”

For many, lament is hard. It feels wrong to admit our disappointment with life, with others, with God.

But being able to express bitterness and anger is a valid expression of religious faith; for Christians and Jews, it’s even biblical.

And, as author Anne Lamott says, it is good for us. 

“Nothing heals us like letting people know our scariest parts,” she writes. “When people listen to you cry and lament, and look at you with love, it's like they are holding the baby of you.”

Last month I also lost a close friend to cancer. A single mom, just 49, she left two teenage sons behind.

I was able to spend time with her before she died, hearing her pain and experiencing her deep sense of loss.

Like my friend, I too could only lament: “Fuck-you, cancer.”

Elder Orphans and the Faith Community

Elder orphans—that’s the name being given today to a large and growing number of seniors who have no children close by to care for them as they age.

Some of these people never married. Others married, but had no children. Or they had children, but the kids moved far away.

One of the people doing research in this area is Dr. Maria Carney, chief of geriatric and palliative medicine at Northwell Health in New York.

Through her research, Carney has found that nearly one-quarter of Americans over 65 are currently at risk of becoming elder orphans, and that close to 33 percent of Americans age 45 to 63 are single and positioned to join them.

Something similar could happen in Canada, where about 27 percent of Canadians live alone.

"It seems that, with increasing longevity and the trend toward having fewer children and families being fragmented, that this risk of aging alone is increasing," Carney told CTV's Canada AM last year.

This is clearly a growing challenge. But why raise this issue in a blog about faith?

The reason is simple: One group in Canada which should be well-placed to respond to the needs of seniors is the faith community.

For some faith groups, like Muslims, Sikhs and Hindus, this is not as great an issue; adherents of those religions see it as their duty to care for aging parents.

But the same is not necessarily true for Christianity.

That was the point made by Linda Mintle in a post on Beliefnet titled “Are Churches Neglecting the Elderly?”

In the post she recounted how her own aging parents had been left on their own by their church, despite years of the faithful service to the congregation.

“Many churches have become so focused on numbers and youth, that meeting the needs of their senior members are not even on the radar,” she wrote.

Her parents' church has five pastors, but not one of them has pastoral care for seniors in their job description.

“The elderly seem to be forgotten,” she wrote. “And during this time in their lives, when a call or visit would mean so much, the pastors are not taking the time to minister to them.”

It’s not just churches that have made seniors a low priority; a check of courses offered by five major Christian colleges and seminaries in Canada, shows that while they all offer majors in youth ministry, none offer majors in care for seniors.

Earlier this month The Herald, the newspaper serving the northeast part of the city, carried an article about how nine North Kildonan churches have committed themselves to serve their neighbourhoods through a project called The Art of Neighbouring.

I was heartened to learn from a pastor at Jubilee Mennonite Church, one of the congregations involved in the project, that the needs of seniors will be included in the project.

“Seniors will be a focus,” Anna Marie Geddert told me. “We can embrace them, find out who they are and what they need,” she said. “Maybe they need food or groceries, or maybe they are just lonely and need someone to talk to.”

The number of seniors in Canada is growing—people 65 and older are the fastest-growing demographic in the country. At the same time, the number of elder orphans is also increasing.

This means two things: Those who are without children as they age might consider connecting with a faith community. And faith communities looking for ways to make a difference in their neighbourhoods should start taking this issue more seriously.

From the June 11, 2016 Winnipeg Free Press. Image above from Canada AM.

Having The "Talk" With Your Parents About Nursing Home Care

One of the hardest conversations children can have with their elderly parents is about when it is time to consider nursing home care. And no wonder; it's not easy for seniors to acknowledge they are not longer capable of independent living. But not talking about it isn't an option, either. A conference in Winnipeg on Nov. 14 aims to help children and their parents talk about this challenging subject.

When my parents were no longer able to look after themselves in their own home, I was fortunate enough to find them a great nursing home to live out their final days.

The need to help them came on me suddenly when both my mother and father experienced medical emergencies at the same time. In the opinion of their doctors, they could no longer take care of themselves—they needed long-term care.

I had about a week to find them a new place to live before my dad was discharged from the hospital.

This is not the way I imagined the process would go.

I had hoped we could talk about it beforehand, and begin making arrangements. But every time I brought up the subject, my dad emphatically insisted he was going to “die in his own home!”

And that was the end of the discussion.

But now they had no choice. The nursing home they preferred had no room, so I had to find them temporary housing in another facility. It took about a year before space opened up in the place they wanted to live.

During that time, I learned a lot about the incredible stress the medical system is under when it comes to assisting seniors—there are too many people needing care, and often not enough beds, or no beds in the place people want to go. And the demand is only growing.

My situation is not unique. Many children of aging parents wonder how they can have a conversation with them about long-term care before an emergency changes everything. In some cases, seniors might want to bring it up, but are fearful of where it might lead.

For many, it can be a stressful experience.

Helping children and aging parents start those conversations is the goal of Caring for Body, Mind and Spirit As Loved Ones Age, a November 14 conference sponsored by the Concordia Hospital Department of Spiritual Care.

The conference, which runs from 9 AM to 4 PM at Douglas Mennonite Church ,  1517 Rothesay St. in Winnipeg , will include sessions on aging and long-term care options.

Among the presenters is former pastor John Neufeld, who will talk about the experience of aging; Gina Trinidad, Chief Operating Officer for the Deer Lodge Centre and the WRHA Long Term Care Program, will speak about navigating the journey to long-term care; and Kathleen Rempel Boschman, Manger of Spiritual Care at Concordia Hospital, will describe the options available as people age.

There will also be a session featuring first-hand accounts from those who have recently walked, or who are still walking, the care-giving journey with aging parents.

For Gerry Derksen, chaplain at Concordia Place, the conference is a chance for children and their older parents to find ways to begin talking about the challenges and opportunities of aging.

“Aging is part of the journey that people are called to deal with,” he says. “It holds opportunities for growth. We want to facilitate conversation between children and parents that can help people make good choices related to independent living, and to end of life.”

Through his work with seniors, Derksen knows there are lots of challenges facing people with aging parents today.

For example, families are smaller, and more spread out, which means the care of parents falls on fewer children. In some cases, seniors have no children living nearby.

Also, with most people today in the workforce, there are fewer people who have the time and flexibility to respond to the needs of aging parents.

As well, since fewer people attend church or other places of worship today, many seniors don’t have a built-in religious community that can provide additional support.

The result is that when decisions need to be quickly made about care, due to a medical emergency, families can find themselves overwhelmed.

“People find themselves suddenly needing to talk about the realities that go along with this stage of life,” Derksen says. “Many aren’t ready for that discussion.”

By attending the conference, he hopes more children and parents will find ways to begin the conversation—before a crisis hits.

Cost for the conference is $35, including lunch. Registration closes on November 10. To register, call Melanie Clarke at 661-7481. More information can be found here. 

Health and Other Benefits of Religion

There are lots of studies which show the benefits of religion (like the ones below). But are the benefits due to something supernatural, or to how religion brings people together to help each other? Maybe it’s both. After all, challenges are more bearable when a burden is shared. And as church historian Martin Marty pointed out about the downside of being spiritual but not religious: “Spirituality doesn’t bring you a casserole when you are sick.”

Despite what some American televangelists like to say, having faith is no guarantee that life will work out perfectly.

  

Like everyone else, people who believe in God have bad things happen to them, too—they lose their jobs, get cancer, die in accidents or suffer any of the other maladies and afflictions that arise from simply being alive.

  

But if having faith doesn’t prevent these things from happening, it seems to help when problems and challenges come our way. At least, that’s what some recent studies are showing.

According to a German study, people who lost their jobs but attend church frequently reported they were more satisfied with their lives than non-attenders.

“This study asked whether religious attendance buffers the psychological impact of unemployment. The answer is yes,” researchers from the Center for Applied Developmental Science at the University of Jena, Germany, and the University of Amsterdam reported in the Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion.

A study in Poland found a similar result. That study of 1,600 workers who faced uncertain future employment discovered that frequent church attendance and having strong religious beliefs were related to fewer symptoms of depression and higher life satisfaction.

According to the study, by University of Jena and the Warsaw School of Social Sciences and Humanities, highly religious individuals reported fewer signs of depression in the face of work and financially-related stress.

For the researchers, the study shows that “religiousness acted as a protective factor.”

When it comes to money, a U.S.reported by the July, 2010 issue of the journal of Social Science and Medicine found that going to church regularly and belief in the afterlife were related to lower levels of psychological distress for people experiencing financial hardship.

The reasons people of faith feel less stress, the study suggests, include belief in a loving God who cares for their well-being, and the belief in a rich and rewarding afterlife. This world isn’t all that there is, in other words.

Additionally, the study points to how religion often provides people with a supportive community. Not only does a faith community offer friendship and practical help, but people who are have lost their jobs or are facing money troubles feel their self-worth is validated by the community—it doesn’t matter if they have a job or a lot of money in the bank.

But faith isn’t only helpful to those who are in the workforce or worried about work; it can also be a benefit to people who are retired and aging.

That’s what a study by Lydia K. Manning of Duke University ’s Center for the Study of Aging and Human Development found. 

According to Manning, people who are spiritual have a tool that can promote and maintain health and resilience in later life.

The benefits of increased spiritual activity ranged from “battling loneliness through personal faith and church, synagogue and mosque attendance to reducing death anxiety through religious music,” she says, adding that spirituality “serves as a promoter of healthy aging.”

The role religion plays in combating loneliness is echoed by a study by Sunshine Rote and Terrence Hill of Florida State University and Christopher Ellison of the University of Texas at San Antonio .

“We find that religious attendance is associated with higher levels of social integration and social support,” they wrote.  

“Taken together, our results suggest that involvement in religious institutions may protect against loneliness in later life by integrating older adults into larger and more supportive social networks.”

Getting a benefit from religion isn’t limited to being part of a faith community; apparently just listening to religious music can help.

Research by Christopher Ellison, Matt Bradshaw and Collin Mueller of Duke University and Qijuan Fang of Bowling Green State University found that listening to religious music is associated with increases in life satisfaction, a greater sense of control and a decrease in anxiety about death.

“This study shows that listening to religious music may promote psychological well-being in later life,” the researchers say, although they don’t say what kind of religious music may be best.

So there you have it; if being religious won’t protect you from problems and suffering in life, it seems to help people weather them better.

From the Sept. 19, 2015 Winnipeg Free Press.

Making Room for People Struggling With Mental Illness

UPDATE, Feb. 6/17: Vince Li is seeking an absolute discharge so he can live freely in the community. The question asked two years ago is still germane today.

Vince Li, who was found not criminally responsible for the beheading death of Tim McLean on a greyhound bus in 2008, has been given the OK to to be transferred to a group home in Winnipeg. Some are outraged, but many people are fine with it—Li, who has schizophrenia, has experienced “profound improvement” to his mental health and has been judged ready to be integrated back into the community. But I wonder: What would happen if Li decided to attend a Winnipeg church as part of his recovery? Would he be welcome? I explored the subject in my Free Press column earlier this year.

Do people with mental health challenges feel welcome at your place of worship?

The question is prompted by the recent decision to give Vince Li day passes from the Selkirk Mental Health Centre.

Many people are familiar with Li, who was found not criminally responsible for beheading Tim McLean on Greyhound bus in 2008.

Li, who has been diagnosed with schizophrenia, has described himself as a devout Christian.

“I believe in Jesus Christ. He is my Saviour,” he said. “I try to follow God.”

For someone like Li, who is seeking to return to a normal and productive life, finding a church home would provide a supportive and caring community.

But are churches ready to help someone like him, or anyone else struggling with a mental health challenge? A 2014 study by Lifeway Research in the U.S. suggests the answer is no.

The study of 1,000 Protestant pastors found that they and their churches are unprepared to deal with people experiencing mental health challenges.

According to the study, 66 percent of pastors seldom speak to their congregation about mental illness, only 27 percent of churches have a plan to assist families affected by mental illness, and only 14 percent have someone on staff who is skilled to deal with it.

According to Ed Stetzer, executive director of LifeWay Research, “pastors need more guidance and preparation for dealing with mental health crises. They often don't have a plan to help individuals or families affected by mental illness, and miss opportunities to be the church."

For James Friesen, CEO of Eden Mental Health Centre in Winkler, offering help to people with mental illness is the right thing for churches to do.

“The church has a higher calling to show forgiveness, grace and love,” to people who struggle with mental health challenges, he says.

“For Christians, those things should be at the front ends of our hearts.”

And how can churches assist people with mental health challenges?

“Listen,” says Friesen, noting that people with mental illness say they just want to be treated as normal. “They tell me, ‘help us find a place to live, a job, friends.’ That is 90 percent of what people ask for.”

Education is also important, says Ron Falk, who directs spiritual care at Eden and who visits churches to help them respond to people facing mental health issues.

“Churches need to learn about mental illness, how to support people and their families,” he says.

As for Vince Li, his was an extreme case; even so, mental health experts say he poses a low risk of reoffending. He has been described as a model patient who is humble and remorseful for what he did—and determined to stay on his schizophrenia medication.

It is estimated that one out of every four or five Canadians who will face a mental health issue in their lifetime. This means people who are struggling are in every congregation. 

Since the heart of the Christian message is forgiveness, new life and restoration to the community, your church has an opportunity to help people experiencing mental health challenges right now.